Beyond the Relationship Escalator

Choosing evolution over calcified hearts and the suspicion of joy.

Mainstream assumptions about the romantic “relationship escalator” confine intimacy to narrow, predetermined paths. These assumptions often reduce women to being passive recipients of male manipulation, as if our ultimate trajectory is always towards being either “scored” as conquests and trophies or “claimed” as validated, worthy, wives in a traditional, monogamous relationship.

I find this to be both limiting and untrue.

A collective projection of the Madonna Whore complex really.

In my own journey of de-conditioning from codependent relating patterns and trauma, it’s been essential to cultivate my capacity to give and receive nourishment through an open heart and body, while also remaining sober and sovereign in my nervous system and psyche.

These are Scorpio Skills, to merge and then separate, with full depth and intensity, yet also the protective assets required to handle such powers well.

I have slowly learnt to accurately identify, trust and express my desire, without being possessed by it to the point of self destruction.

To stabilise in my longing without collapsing into obsession and to realise there are no guaranteed safe paths when we expose ourselves, only trusting that we can keep orienting to love and that we are always learning.

This has required great amounts of courage, boundaries, honesty, therapy, celibacy, study, and many relational encounters of different shapes that have all contributed to my healing, self-discovery and ability to break multi-generational patterns.

I have not allowed my heart or mind to calcify, even when moving through past abuse and painful chapters such as the end of my marriage and associated loss of my land/home/business.

As I have grown in this commitment to an evolutionary style of relating radical honesty about the willingness and capacity of myself and those I connect with has become the foundation of my discernment.

Capacity and Willingness… so critical.

I also want to acknowledge that I do prefer monogamy, not because of cultural conditioning, but because it gives me the depth and focus I enjoy. For me, intimacy is most fulfilling when I can relax into a container without too much dilution from other energies.

I have a Capricorn Venus, Scorpio Mars and Taurus Moon… I mean, that says it all.

At the same time, while being officially single, my life is already full of relationships that bring me romance, intimacy, and aliveness outside conventional frameworks and I do not feel morally limited in terms of having lovers or dating.

The Suspicion of Joy

I recently shared with a friend that I had experienced a high-quality intimate connection that left me feeling very expanded and inspired. Their immediate response was to caution me, assuming without prior evidence, that my joy was a recipe for a fantasy spiral or impending disappointment.